I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
