We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize