There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
