Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
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