Just fell off a train. Bad.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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