What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
