then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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