Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
