Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
