After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
