Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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