Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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