tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
