I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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