We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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