ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
