i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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