I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
