Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
