Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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