I faked an abortion last night.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
