thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
