When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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