This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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