I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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