You're my little dorito
I'm drive I can fine osifer
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
