A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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