oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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