My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
