I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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