It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
