I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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