Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
