a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My vagina just recognized that song.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
