i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
