i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
time to smoke my breakfast
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
