Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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