Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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