I'm eating all of the evidence.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
