she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
