Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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