I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
