I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize