ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i would punch a child for taco bell
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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