tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
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