I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
