Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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