Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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