then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
