Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Randomize