I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
