You really coming over, don't trick.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
