We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize