Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
