some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
