The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
