the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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