He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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