btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
What a dumb baby whore.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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