Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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