Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
